I m sick in the head

I know I am mentally deranged because I gain pleasure on things I am perfectly aware that are wrong. I know they are wrong so I don't and will never (through my strong mental will of acting and living like a decent person) do any of this deranged thoughts. However, the mere fact that in my head I am fantasize doing them makes me no better. Admitting to having this thoughts won't make me better. It's similar to saying a cancer patient is self aware that they have cancer. Just knowing won't cure it. And like STD, my mental derangement has no known cure.

For context I am 21 years old and my girlfriend is 20. She is Muslim and I'm Agnostic so her parents does not approve. Because of this we date in secret.

It's important to remember that she is Muslim. Thus, she always wear her hijab when she is with me and she is always covered up. I respect her for it since it's her belief and I love her not for her skin but her as a person.

But as I said I am mentally deranged. My mind gets filled of nasty thoughts.

One time I fantasize of forcefully removing her clothes (all of it) and **** her senseless. I want to touch her boobs and shove her to the table and shove my first in her pussy.

I managed to control myself by pretending to brag about having strong tolerance to spices (which I don't) and drank an entire bottle of hot sauce. My tongue burnt that the nasty thought was over ridden by pain. I successfully ended the date with no accident.

But that's just the start of it. Later on in our relationship she became more casual to me that she is so open about everything. And I mean everything to the point she sometimes brings up that she is naked in our conversation.

I know she is oblivious of my fucked up mind by saying she is comfortable telling me that since I'm not like the other guys. Unfortunately, I am like the other guys. I want to **** her so bad it's driving me nuts. And it doesn't help me to know she is chatting with me naked in her bedroom.

But I have my moments of weakness too. I sometimes would try to put a hand on her thighs unconsciously. However, she thought it was a gesture for us to hold hands. So each time I do it, she hold my hand. Of course, I pretend it did meant as that so it became a habit now. She doesn't know I want to slip my hand in her clothes and touch her out in public.

One time I was so desperate I tried to fish out a sext from her. I tried to be discreet and made it so that it would look like it's her idea. Well, it failed as she was too innocent minded but said that she knew it was inevitable for the two of us to engage in sexual activities.

After all, if we were to be married, how will we have children if we don't have sex? That's what she said.

She also said she will learn more to keep me satisfied so that I won't cheat on her with a different woman. She will "Google" it as though she is studying or researching a cure for cancer. Honestly, I will never cheat on her because she is the only woman who ever thought I'm worth their time cuz I'm poor and have like no degree yet.

Little did she know I gain pleasure in the taboo things. Like the idea of me seeing her skin before she became my wife is more arousing than say doing it with her after marriage. Honestly, just thinking of it (sex after marriage) kinds of kill the fun. It's fucked up. What's the difference with the two? I don't know but my mind is making a big deal about it.

Also, Google? Forget Google, I can show you all the nasty things you need to know to make me satisfied my self.

Bottom line, I want to keep our relationship healthy but I am toxic. I don't want her to be sad if I break up just for this reason, but I feel like she deserves a better man out there than someone who wants to demoralise her like me. But knowing there are men worse than I am, I would stick around her till she is the one who gets tired or she figures out I'm actually a deranged man.

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Psychotic Lover Sins December 16, 2021 at 4:54 pm 1 0