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Worst Thing I ve Ever Done in My Life

This is probably not a big deal, especially compared to other shit I've read on here, but it still bothers me. So I was married to this asshole when I was younger, in my twenties. I wanted the relationship to work out and really put my heart into that relationship. I kept believing things would get better. He was often quiet, but when he would speak up, would be angry and hit me. I was living in Arizona and there were these two young girls, ages ten and eleven.

The girls' mother was unstable, had trouble with finances, and would bring over her boyfriend, and they would get in physical altercations. I lived in an apartment complex and ran into the crazy bitch's 10-year-old daughter, who told me about getting in between her mother and her mother's boyfriend. "This poor, sweet girl" I thought, so I called Child Protective Services. After that they moved. Anyway, these girls bonded to me like I was their mother. I also would mediate arguments outside my apartment door from all the young kids whose parents didn't care about them, so some called me "the neighborhood mother," even though I have never had any kids of my own. All I did was care.

Well I was hurting pretty bad from my relationship with my husband. I was Mormon at the time, and the patriarchal blessing I received told me that my husband would be great, and since I'd involved God in the process of marrying, I figured he would eventually change to fit the description the blessing talked about (it's like personal prophecy for your life, or so they say). I guess God just wanted me to find out the Mormon faith was wrong, and to teach me many lessons from all the shit I endured in that seven year neglectful Hell.

So my husband's main problem was porn addiction. He masturbated all the time behind my back, and would try to hook up with other women. When I found out because I was curious and had a bad feeling about all this, I told him he could hook up with other women, as long as we still had our relationship. I even ordered porn for the household to see what it was all about, so I could be more understanding. (I ended up throwing that porn garbage away.)

The porn was constant, and he was masturbating to the Craigslist personals section when it was still up. He masturbated to everything. He masturbated in the bathroom in the morning I'm pretty sure. He talked to girls constantly on his phone. He emailed other girls, too. I found out all these things because, like I said, I had a bad feeling, was curious, and knew the password to his email. If he had not hidden these things from me, I would've been more accommodating, but he was careful to hide everything. At BYU where he met, he admitted he'd had a porn addiction in high school, but that he was completely over it, and had "repented" before going on his mission, so it wasn't a problem anymore.

I was neglected and neglected and stressed and wanted to trust him, but I just got to the point where I would call him out on his shit and would ask him to be on the laptop so I could see it. I only called him out on his shit directly probably a max of four times in seven years. I respected his space and this "great man" he was supposed to supposedly be. (Patriarchal blessings are given in the Mormon church as a way to help guide you in your life, giving you certain prophecies that are supposed to be fulfilled if you keep up a good relationship with God.)

Well, three years into the painful marriage and at church I had no friends even though I tried making friends, and those two girls seemed to be like the only ones who really cared about my feelings. They would come over in the morning before school, and I would talk with them, and sometimes make them breakfast. I would help them with their homework. At the time I wanted to be a mom, but I wouldn't get off birth control because my husband's angry outbursts always convinced me the time was not right.

Anyway, so getting onto the confession: Me and my husband had a big argument one night, and the next day, the two girls came over, the one (who actually ended up joining the church), and her older sister. I told them what happened, and they helped me tear up pictures of me and my husband. I wanted to warn them of the dangers of pornography, so I showed them a video of a man masturbating. They were very shocked and I slammed the laptop shut.

After they left I called them on the older sister's phone and said that what I had showed them was too grown up for them and that I was sorry. Couple years later I apologized for getting them involved in adult matters (argument with my husband). I still feel like shit that I showed them those few seconds, even though it really pales in comparison to a lot of shit on here!!!!
anonymous Sins July 20, 2019 at 9:34 am 1 48

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I know you feel what you did was wrong, but try not to feel bad. People remember the good others do for them. Your actions sprang from a place of care and warning. Remember that people are sexual beings though. Sexual desires are part of our nature, but our culture is changing. Information is more free now than it has ever been. What you showed them is likely mild compared to what they've already seen. If these girls are in a public school system, you can make a safe bet they've learned quite a bit from other students, or maybe even the school.
Logical 5 months ago
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